A man comes to the shop:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
Half an hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of Coca-cola.
An hour later he comes again:
- Give me a bottle of vodka and a bottle of… of Sprite. It seems Coca-cola makes me sick!
Browsing Posts in Russian Jokes
In the evening a man drives his car when suddenly one of the tires punctures. The man stopped the car, went out and started to take off the wheel. Another man passed by and asked:
- Hey, man, what are you doing?
- I’m taking off the wheel.
The man that passed by picks up a stone, throws into the car window and says:
- Then I will take the car audio!
- In Soviet Russia, baby aborts YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, car drives YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, monkey spanks YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, toilet flushes YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, road forks YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, fish catches YOU!
- In Soviet Russia, radio listens to YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, chair sits on YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, cold catches YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, cow tips YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, sentence finishes YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, bong hits YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, bucket kicks YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, TV watches YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, steak grills YOU!!!
- In Soviet Russia, CD burns YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, bar walks into YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, ass kicks YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, n00b pwns j00!!!
- In Soviet Russia, bag punches YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, frog dissects YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, kitten huffs YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, mouse traps YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, remote controls YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, movie pirates YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, day seizes YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, picture hangs YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, bank robs YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, deer hunts YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, roulette turns YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, laundry hangs YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, toast burns YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, corn pops YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, nut cracks YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, weight gains YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, Pokemon catches YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, dust bites YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, rocket launches YOU!!
- In Soviet Russia, Tree chops YOU!!
Roses are Red Violets are Blue In Soviet Russia Poem writes YOU!!
Ivanov applied to the Communist Party. The party committee conducts an interview.
“Comrade Ivanov, do you smoke?”
“Yes, I do a little.”
“Do you know that comrade Lenin did not smoke and advised other communists not to smoke?”
“If comrade Lenin said so, I shall cease smoking.”
“Do you drink?”
“Yes, a little.”
“Comrade Lenin strongly condemned drunkenness.”
“Then I shall cease drinking.”
“Comrade Ivanov, what about women?”
“A little….”
“Do you know that comrade Lenin strongly condemned amoral behavior?”
“If comrade Lenin condemned, I shall not love them any longer.”
“Comrade Ivanov, will you be ready to sacrifice your life for the Party?”
“Of course. Who needs such life?”
A mummy was found in Egypt. The archaeologists could not determine its origin. Then a Soviet advisor offered his help. The mummy was delivered to the Soviet embassy. In two hours the Soviet advisor appeared and said, “His name was Amenkhotep 23 rd.”
“How did you find out?”
“He confessed,” the advisor said.
The year is 2010. In Moscow, a boy asks, “Grandpa, what is a line?”
“You see, some twenty years back, there was not enough meat in stores, so people had to form long queues at the stores’ entrances and wait hoping some meat would appear on sale. That was called line. Did you get it?”
“Yes, Grandpa. And what is meat?”W
To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, the Politburo demanded an interim progress report. The scientists reported that they had achieved a 50% success. The party requested elaboration. The reply from the Academy of Sciences explained, “One can already spread it, but not yet eat it.”
A frightened man came to the KGB “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“This is not our case. Go to the criminal police.”
“Excuse me. Of course I know that I have to go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with that parrot.”
A delegation of foreign communists came to see a Moscow kindergarten. Before they came, the kids were instructed to answer every question by the visitors with just one sentence, “In the USSR everything is the best in the world.”
The visitors came and asked their questions:
“Children, do you like your kindergarten?”
“In the USSR everything is the best in the world!” the kids shouted.
“And what about the food you get?”
“In the USSR everything is the best in the world!”
“Do you like your toys?”
“In the USSR everything is the best in the world!”
At that point the smallest boy in the group started crying.
“Misha, why are you crying? What happened?”
“I want to go to the USSR!”
One night, I was in bed, beating my wife, when phone ring. I beat phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says;
“What you do with my daughter?!”
I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating her. But she say, her father is dead! Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone.
Such is life in Moscow.
